I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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