Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
