the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
someone owes me an orgasm
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
