I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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