Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
