I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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