Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
