and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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