I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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