I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
