I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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