im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
