Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
