Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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