i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
