Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
you never un-have a 4some
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
