Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dick very happy bro
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
