I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
