I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
