Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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