420 ftw
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
