My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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