i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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