I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I came so hard my ears popped.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
