Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
