Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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