R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
