i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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