You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
