Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
