She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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