If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
