all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
