Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
