Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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