fuck your aforementioned shoe
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
