nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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