So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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