Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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