I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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