I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
