I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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