Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
