So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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