i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
