I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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