I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
