I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
