so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
