Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
