drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
