Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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