i need an iv and a liver transplant
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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