I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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