I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
