Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
