He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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