She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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