Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
